Monday, February 21, 2011

fill 'er up, please.....

is it me, or has anyone else noticed that lately there has been a rash of untimely celebrity deaths?

first there was anna nicole smith. back in february of 2007, she died of a drug overdose. i said celebrity, and with that, i guess i have to include minor celebrities, because she was no marilyn monroe, by any means. she was playboy's playmate of the year, back in 1993, (and i'm guessing her enormous breasts had a hand in that). gaze upon her, if you dare:

she went on to become a spokesperson, model and tv personality. she modeled for guess jeans and lane bryant, (which meant she was a fat girl. i'm not being unkind. everybody knows that lane bryant is a fat lady store. i know it because my mother, who was a huge woman shopped there.) still, the larger than life, larger than most of us, reality star was at least famous enough to warrant our noticing her untimely demise. The circumstances were shady, at best. she was preceded in death by her son, (of a drug overdose), and then had a custody battle for a daughter she supposedly bore with her octogenarian husband, (i doubt that). the battle raged until her death of a drug overdose. (i see a pattern here). anyway, the whole thing was tragic, assuming you gave a shit at all about her, or her big knockers, or her career.
next up is the king of pop michael jackson. i should start by saying i really liked his body of work; beat it, thriller, bad, all of it. and it was a long impressive career. but he is fifty years old and dead of a drug overdose. most of us had guessed long ago that he was essentially a mess of gargantuan proportions. where does one begin? the monkey? the triangular pyramid under which he slept? (no offense to that particular cult of people. i love triangles. i especially love isosceles triangles. hell, i love geometry in general). the bleaching of the skin? the twenty-seven nose operations that left him with the nose of a muppet? the glove? the sequins? the underpants on the outside of his costume? two male children both named prince???, oh my, i've gone too long, but you get the idea. mess with a capital M.  for those of you who doubt me, gird your loins and see for yourself:
he was making a comeback after years of fighting child molestation charges, for which he was never convicted and never did hard time, (sleeping in the bed with all those kids, you ever wonder?  i don't.) and just like that, his doctor administers the drug propofol, to help him sleep.  that, on top of valium and other drugs, caused him to die from cardiac arrest.  (well, my dear doctor, he's sleeping now, isn't he?)  the personal physician pleaded not guilty to involuntary manslaughter, and is out on bail, but he clearly killed him with an overdose, at least in my opinion. 

and now this, just in.....

on january 11th, porn star sexy cora dies on an operating table in germany while having plastic surgery.  she wasn't a world famous porn star like linda lovelace, or marilyn chambers, but she had her following.  ordinarily this would not be such a big deal, until you read the details of this particular plastic surgery.  she was a buxom blonde with a nice rack to begin with.  she went on to pierce her tongue in several places with silver studs.  (one can only imagine how that plays in the porn films.  actually, i wonder how that feels.  i'm kidding.  i know exactly how it feels). but she wanted a bigger set of boobs ostensibly to make her a bigger star. so she had surgery after surgery for a total of 5, to enhance them, growing finally to a 34F cup.  (now i don't know about you, but before i was gay, i dated a girl with a 34D cup and almost suffocated.  her melons were huge.  i was way out of my league.  i had no idea what to do with them.  it didn't make me gay, but it certainly didn't help any, scaring the life out of a poor young college student). i'm thinking a 34F cup is a huge pair of ta-tas. this is her, btw, sexy cora.  knockout, no?  certainly well-suited for porn.  guys, don't let your wives catch you looking at this:  oy......... 

but she had to have that 6th surgery, to get to that 34G arena, where few have gone before. the doctors in poland refused to do it, but she found some silicone happy docs in hamburg, germany who apparently thought growth hormones for her would be a good idea.  (didn't they see the pixar movie last year called up?  sometimes, with enough inflation,  you just float away). i can just hear her now, laying on the operating table:

fill 'er up boys.  i want 28 ounces of silicone in each puppy.  that ought to get me some fancy film contracts, not to mention, laid.

poor thing never got up from the table.  she just lay there, pinned under her giant melons, crushed to death, lifeless.

the doctors have been charged with negligent manslaughter, and are awaiting trial.  (shouldn't there be rules about this stuff?  well, it was germany.  probably a more lax society than ours, with less rules.  they're way ahead of us on some things, but i think they need a little more regulation on this one.  kind of like fertility doctors in this country doing what they do, and kate gosselin popping out a tribe of eight.  i mean, come on.  there's something just not right about that, i'm thinking.  so why are boob doctors trying to enlarge the emergency flotation devices planted on this porn star's chest?)

what can we take away from all this?
1)  don't do drugs. 
i, for one, don't, (anymore).  let's all start with that.  kids, adults, don't do drugs for fun. not even the prescription kind. (if you're looking to get high).  they're readily available and the pill mill industry is thriving (perhaps a subject for next week), but that doesn't mean it's ok. (well, it was ok in the '60s because most of us were young and stupid.  besides the choices were way better back then. we had quaaludes). but not anymore.  ok?

2)  don't have enormous tits.
wait, that didn't come out right.  i meant, ladies, if you have smaller than desired breasts, and you'd like some enhancement, i say go for it, within reason.  (and of course, my within reason could be way different from yours).  plastic surgery is indeed our friend.  we can have our noses fixed, our butts lifted, our boobs enhanced (well, not me, but.....), or our tummies tucked.  (see a chorus line, tits and ass.)  hmmm.  if i could, though, i'd most likely have penis augmentation. (ooh, i love the very sound of that.  i've never been huge in that department, to tell the truth.  it would certainly make me enormously popular, especially in the gay world.  i'd be a manly stud but i'd probably stop at nine inches.  i could go for twelve, but i wouldn't want to die on the table before i got to try it out.  i mean, what good is it to be a hung adonis, if you're dead?)  but gals, if you already have these goodyear dirigibles attached to your front end, just be happy with their size, and don't try to squeeze them into the guiness book.  first of all, they probably won't fit, and secondly, you  might not live to enjoy it.  seems to me that a 34F cup is more than enough for most men.  and if it isn't, i think maybe those guys are playing for the wrong team. 


  1. That's one of the scaries pics I've ever seen of Michael Jackson. Sexy Cora was pretty terrifying. Alan Wilson is a nom de plume for Alan Wolfson, who is trying to remain un-public in a world full of facebook and twitter and foursqaure and fiveround, etc.

  2. What happened to the visual aids? I thought they were great!