Thursday, July 1, 2010

the doctor visit......part II

ok, francis ford coppola where are you? i've never written a sequel, and you're the guy with not only the best movie of all time, but the greatest sequel. can i get a little advice here........????

so i was home for the weekend, sprung as i've mentioned, and really stopped to smell the roses. not like i was endangered or anything, but still......when they invade your body with scientific marvels, it's a call to reality. and your mortality stares you in the face. so i examined my orchids on the patio, and loved my dog and cats, and had dinner with husband, and basically appreciated the life i have.

and my instructions were, call the electrician on monday. and so i did.

the receptionist said she needed to talk to the doctor........get this.....he's not just a cardiologist....anybody can be that........well, anybody with a lot of brains, dedication, and devotion........he's not just that.....he's the associate director for arrhythmia & syncope at the miller center, diplomat board of cardiac electrophysiology. (whew, bet you didn't think i could spell that, did you? and don't forget the body by jake).

and you think the iphone is cool? the ipad? there's a lot of technology marching forth, and not just apple products............

so she got back to me on tuesday around 3pm, and said, come in tomorrow, at 6:30am, to the lab for blood and stuff, and then, 7am in the doc's office for a procedure........

again that word.........

instructions: no food after midnight.....what am i, a gremlin? (didn't you love that movie? couldn't feed them after midnight?)

and so, wednesday, early, it began.

now, i'm thinking, 6:30 am, i've got to be first on line. after all, how many people need a procedure at that ungodly hour. (i'm thinking my doctor either doesn't sleep.....have you seen twilight?)....or is a party animal and doesn't sleep.........either way, it seems i'm fucked. turns out, he's back from the gym at 6:30 and rarin' to go.......(that would explain the body).......... lucky me, no party, just an animal...........

i was third.

first up was an old woman who needed a battery change in her pacemaker. (i swear). 20 minutes and she was gone. talk about wham, bam, wind me up, thank you ma'am.

next up, a lovely cuban woman, lourdes, named after the shrine, i imagine. (it's amazing how close two people can get on adjacent gurneys when your life is hanging in the balance. (we were bffs immediately.) remember, it was mercy hospital, her name was lourdes, and she used the word god......a lot!!!! nice catholic, cuban lady.) and she was actually in worse shape than i, and she needed my same procedure, an ablation.......(more about that later). she was in and out of the procedure room in about an hour and a half.

on my gurney in the waiting area, as i waited my turn, this amazing nurse named cindy gave me a tv to watch, to pass the time.( go ahead, people, get comfortable on a gurney in a hallway, i wanna see you try.) so midway through regis and kelly (and dolly parton was the guest, and i love her........a good omen) was my turn.......and dolly was interrupted by my having to go in.


dolly looks good. she's about 4 years older than i, but of course, she's had a few procedures, and i don't mean on the inside.  so her lips are thick and luscious, her skin is tight, and her boobs are perky (they should be around her knees by now, bless that good doctor), and it was good to see her. (i wonder if she has hot doctors too.......)

back again.....

the drugs........

sadly, there are no more quaaludes in the world. with one of those you could remove my heart, make repairs, put it back in and i'd give a shit. alas.

but they do, i must say, have this new drip. right into the vein in your arm. verset or something. better than the old valium drip. you can stay awake if you like, while they remove your legs, spleen, arms, whatever. rather nice.

i really wanted to watch this ablation. there were screens everywhere that would show it in high definition. (actually nicer than my home tv.). i tried to stay awake but there was a panel blocking my view of the screen, and i got bored for about 5 seconds and of course i nodded. a very nice sleep......i might add. perhaps a viking sleep. (see earlier blog).

so as i slept the sleep of the innocent....yeah right.......the ablation........(i promised)....

they invaded my groin from both sides, and pushed long electrode wires up through my body, into my heart.......did i mention that there were stick on patches on 80 percent of my torso, that cindy ever so gently glued into position, (which didn't hurt at all....until of course, it was time to remove them, and then there was some screaming involved), and they could see inside me, my entire wiring system of my heart? and so, while perusing my innards, the doc zapped 6 spurs on my heart, that were causing the arrhythmia, pulled out, and said, in the immortal words of tangina, in that movie poltergeist, this heart is clean!!!!

so, relieved was i, and rarin' to go home, and not so fast, paleface. there's a 4 hour recovery from this procedure where you can't move. like being in an m.r.i. don't bend your legs, don't try to lift your neck, try not to move your arms, lie back flat, and all that. they don't want you to strain the wounds they've inflicted on your groin area. so i drifted in and out of sleep, (drug remnants), and watched some soap operas, (hoping to find my doctors taking their shirts off.....the drugs, you know), and 3pm they sprung me again. husband was there, they wheeled me out to the car, and made me recline the seat all the way home (more lie down time). but the truth is, it's over (for now). my arteries are clean, my electrical systems are a go, and the palpitations are gone. (probably until the hospital bill comes in. it won't surprise me at all, if glancing at the bill, they return...........................)

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